Blessings

7/20/2012

It has been a tough day for America.   The horrific news that someone else has senselessly taken so many lives has been all that's been on the news all day.   Ryan and Emma weren't home, so I got the difficult task of trying to explain to Sarah how someone "snaps" and goes "bonkers" enough to feel they need to go kill strangers.   She intently watched for updates, expressing her grief for all those people who have loved one's tragically taken away from them.

Watching how sensitive my daughter is makes me weepy and squishy.   It is hard to see her innocence disappear with each year she lives.   I only wish we could protect our children from the horrible atrocities that surround us here on Earth.   Wishing for comfort I turn to thinking about what blessings we have been given, trying to focus on the positive.   Each day I make it a priority to identify the good in the little things.    Yesterday as we got the much needed rain, I made sure to vocalize how grateful I was to get rain.  When the rain missed us but was falling somewhere else close to us, I made sure to vocalize that we are still fortunate to be getting rain on the crops that provide us food and that those people who were getting the rain were likely very grateful it was raining on them.   When my children observed some challenges we had recently on vacation, I made sure to reinforce the fun things that happened despite the struggles.   It is so easy to overlook all the blessings we receive each day, I hope you all take a moment to identify the little things and how fortunate we all are.

I carry a great deal of guilt with me pertaining the early arrival of my trio.    For years I have struggled with the "what ifs" that come along with having micro preemies.   It seems there was something I should have done to prevent them from coming 14 weeks early.  With Emma's reoccurring medical issues, the guilt reemerges and seems to consume me stifling my happiness and joy.   What could I have done to prevent her from having to pay for "my" mistake?   It isn't fair that she has to continue to deal with this, that it will be something she has to deal with her whole life.  I would like to think I am smart and that I am logical.   The rational side of me knows that we are blessed with the outcome we have, that all three are alive and overall "normal" kids.   The angry side of me wants a miracle to fix it all, or to somehow take her challenges and take them on myself.   It takes a lot of strength to do all that I do to make sure my family gets all they need, but that is nothing compared to the strength it takes for an 11 year old to continue to graciously endure all that life has given her.   When people ask how I do it, I always try to make sure they know I don't do anything any good Mom wouldn't do, that it is Emma that needs the credit for being brave, strong, and stubborn.

Hearing the accounts of the survivors from today's shooting brings me out of my self wallowing for awhile and reminds me that no matter what happens, things could be much worse.  Knowing what so many grieving people have to endure actually bolsters my ability to continue to fight for my daughter.